THE BALDNESS EPIDEMIC IS OVER.

After one application of Boblin the Goblin’s Definitely Legit Hair Tonic™, Elves, Vritra, and Asura have reported a miraculous return of scalp vegetation. Unfortunately, the product does not work on Humans. Boblin has classified this as “a skull issue” and declined further questions. Older Elves will retain youthful faces, with age shown only through white hair. Wrinkles have been classified as a manufacturing defect. Treatment applies to new and regenerated portraits. Previously bald heroes must book another portrait appointment. No refunds. No clinical trials. Humans, our condolences.